Saturday, July 10, 2010

I don't know if I will be around much for quite a while......I had to admit  my dad to the hospital yesterday, he is 82, and lives on his own, and has done a pretty good job of taking care of himself since my mom passed away a few years ago, he lives in Washington, and I live in Oregon,  we keep in contact by phone , and I visit him every other weekend, financially I just can't afford it more often (I'm unemployed) I had called him on Wed this week, to see how he was.....we were having some pretty hot weather. he told me he had had the flu, but thought he was getting better, so I said I would call him again that evening, when I did he sounded a bit worse to me, but he continued to say he was ok, so I told him I would call again in the morning and if I didn't hear any improvment, I was driving up there and dragging his fanny to see his I called and he sounded worse to me, I drove up he looked kind of  washed out, and I could tell he had lost weight, so we made an appt for 1:30, he went and changed clothes, came back out and sat in his chair and acted a bit winded from the efforts of changing....we still had a couple hours till his app, about an hour before time we decided to go.........he got up from his chair and his pants fell down to his knees......he had lost enough weight his pants were too big,  and when he tried to walk he lost his balance and then couldn't turn around to get back to his sat on the arm and kind of flopped into I am getting scared and for once he is too, he can be so pig headed  sometimes, but I think he realized he had held out too long this time.....I called an ambulance , being afraid to even attempt to help him to my now he is in intensive care, he was admitted for dehydration, which complicated an existing renal failure condition, he is not getting enough oxygen his blood pressure is extremely low.....and my daddy looks like a bewildered baby bird laying in his hospital bed.....I am scared he isn't going to pull through this time......and even though I am 54 yrs old, he is my rock.....I may be married to someone that loves me and is there for me to lean on , but this is the man that has been the constant in my life all of my life.....they are going to try a dyalasis( sp?) treatment tomorrow morning to try and get his kidneys jump started......if that doesn't work, I don't know what will happen he had a dnr order, so they can't do anything to resusitate him if he begins to fail.....I know he is tired of living and ready to let go, he misses mom, and he would not be happy if he was not able to care for himself any more......I am trying to come to terms with this and let him go if it is his will, I think that is why he didn't call me  and let me know he was in a way I feel guilty for making him go through the indignity of everything that he has to endure while in the hospital.......thinking maybe he was hoping to die in his home......with out all the stuff he is going through now.. I just know I love him and know I don't  know  how to deal with imediate family will be pretty much all gone except for me and my two kids, and my hubby of course......
   I'm sorry for the rambling, I know nobody wants to read this, I just can't talk to anyone in my "real" life right now


  1. Well, I'm glad you can talk to us, then. It's hard to lose a parent at any age, we'll always be their child. I wish you peace in dealing with this. Sending out hugs...

  2. Sometimes you just need to get it out, and I'm glad we're here to offer you e-hugs and hopefully some comfort. I hope everything works out for the best for both of you. Lots of e-hugs

  3. Norma, my heart is with you right in your time of need. I'm here if you need to talk. This is a difficult time for both you and your dad and one that catches us off guard. I hope you have a bit more time with your dad and I'm hoping he gets what he wants as well.

    *Zen Hugs* Take care of yourself and remember we are here for you!

  4. Let it all out girl,we're here for you.
    I work in a nursing home and see this all the time, the hardest thing is to let them go, letting them go with dignity the the very best way of showing your love for them. I feel for you,hope you are strong for your Dad and above all let him know you are with any descisions he makes.
    Take care, don't forget to look out for yourself too.

    Sandie xx

  5. You are very brave and strong and I am glad you have us bloggers to talk to. We are here for you and read every word. Prayers for your dad and for you.

  6. Sending hugs your way. I had a similar thing with my dad, so I feel what you are going through. Just know that *he* knows that whatever decisions you need to make, you make because you love him and because you are doing the best for him that you can. Hang in there.

  7. Norma

    {{{{BIG HUGS}}}} I wish that I had words that could make this better but know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Feel free to email me if you want.


  8. Norma - I am glad you took the time to let us know what you are struggling with. I hope your dad is resting comfortably and gaining the strength he needs to fight this fight. I'm sure just your being there with him has done wonders for his soul. Nothing beats knowing that you are loved and people care. (and that means you too, ya know?!)

    I'll be thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way.