moonlitfantaseas

I don't know if I will be around much for quite a while......I had to admit  my dad to the hospital yesterday, he is 82, and lives on his own, and has done a pretty good job of taking care of himself since my mom passed away a few years ago, he lives in Washington, and I live in Oregon,  we keep in contact by phone , and I visit him every other weekend, financially I just can't afford it more often (I'm unemployed) I had called him on Wed this week, to see how he was.....we were having some pretty hot weather. he told me he had had the flu, but thought he was getting better, so I said I would call him again that evening, when I did he sounded a bit worse to me, but he continued to say he was ok, so I told him I would call again in the morning and if I didn't hear any improvment, I was driving up there and dragging his fanny to see his dr........so I called and he sounded worse to me, I drove up he looked kind of  washed out, and I could tell he had lost weight, so we made an appt for 1:30, he went and changed clothes, came back out and sat in his chair and acted a bit winded from the efforts of changing....we still had a couple hours till his app, about an hour before time we decided to go.........he got up from his chair and his pants fell down to his knees......he had lost enough weight his pants were too big,  and when he tried to walk he lost his balance and then couldn't turn around to get back to his chair......so sat on the arm and kind of flopped into it......now I am getting scared and for once he is too, he can be so pig headed  sometimes, but I think he realized he had held out too long this time.....I called an ambulance , being afraid to even attempt to help him to my car.....so now he is in intensive care, he was admitted for dehydration, which complicated an existing renal failure condition, he is not getting enough oxygen his blood pressure is extremely low.....and my daddy looks like a bewildered baby bird laying in his hospital bed.....I am scared he isn't going to pull through this time......and even though I am 54 yrs old, he is my rock.....I may be married to someone that loves me and is there for me to lean on , but this is the man that has been the constant in my life all of my life.....they are going to try a dyalasis( sp?) treatment tomorrow morning to try and get his kidneys jump started......if that doesn't work, I don't know what will happen he had a dnr order, so they can't do anything to resusitate him if he begins to fail.....I know he is tired of living and ready to let go, he misses mom, and he would not be happy if he was not able to care for himself any more......I am trying to come to terms with this and let him go if it is his will, I think that is why he didn't call me  and let me know he was sick........so in a way I feel guilty for making him go through the indignity of everything that he has to endure while in the hospital.......thinking maybe he was hoping to die in his home......with out all the stuff he is going through now.. I just know I love him and know I don't  know  how to deal with this.....my imediate family will be pretty much all gone except for me and my two kids, and my hubby of course......
   I'm sorry for the rambling, I know nobody wants to read this, I just can't talk to anyone in my "real" life right now